


A not very sexy bed time

by IrishFallout04



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 09:21:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14850072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IrishFallout04/pseuds/IrishFallout04
Summary: My boyfriend always complains I'm mean in my sleep and steal blankets, so it gave me a idea.





	A not very sexy bed time

‘I have made a grave mistake.’  
John lay wide eyed in the room which he used to consider his safety.  
Used to.  
Now he was playing a sick late night game of Russian roulette with his life. Inviting the Deputy into his home had already been a dangerous decision, but wasn’t that how he liked to live? On the edge, freely. That had been all he had known once he had escaped the ever abusive grasp of his adoptive parents. But never once had he found himself in such a life threatening situation before.  
'Okay, maybe I’m being a little dramatic, she hasn’t moved in at least five minutes.’  
That rational train of thought quickly left the station when her foot collided hard with his face. It was followed by a self satisfied grunt, like she was mocking him, daring him to do anything about it. His eyes glanced down and found her foot was close, too close, and lined up perfectly with his nose. One more slight upward motion and her big TOE would be lodged neatly into his NOSTRIL.  
John had never let anything best him no matter how petty or small, he always made sure he would be the one landing on top. So to have this already obnoxious deputy taking over his bed (which was a California KING by the way!) with such ferocity while in such a innocent act left him lying awake, seething.  
How dare she. How DARE. SHE.  
John decided to fight back. He didn’t know how this would fair and at this point he didn’t give a good god damn. This was his house and HIS bed! She couldn’t just push him out of it.  
But, oh how wrong he was.  
At first, his attempts to right her sleeping position were gently made. His hand grasped her ankle nicely and he pushed it slowly. The grasp wasn’t quite as strong as it should of been, however because before he knew it she had retracted her leg with devilish speed and cracked him in the face with her heel, much like how a horse would kick out at a offending predator.  
“Ugh!” The noise involuntary burst from his mouth. Well, at least he had free reign of his upper body now. Blue eyes snaked down to look at what options were currently at his disposal. She was laying on her stomach next to him with just her arms sprawled out, one of them nestled between his slightly spread legs. It was a promising start.  
John leaned down and this time firmly grabbed her shoulders intending to drag her up to rest her head on the pillow. Time slowed down as soon as he started to drag her, sirens rang in his ears as bright flashes of red went off in his mind. Time had slowed, but hadn’t slowed enough for him to dodge the clenched fist that made his groin target practice. Immediately his hand let go of her to clasp around his injured gonads, tears streaming down his face and his breath coming out in short hollow gasps. He heard Dep let out a straggled snore as she flipped onto her back.  
It was at this point he lost all control of his emotions. His long legs kicked and flailed against the mattress like a child causing a ruckus because their toy had been apprehended by a scolding parent. His fists bounced off the sheets as he collided them over and over against the pillow top. Hair blinded him as he shook his head back and forth.  
John Seed had had ENOUGH.  
This was more nonsense than anyone ever had the right to put up with. His bare feet hit the floor with a dull thud and quickly made their way to her side of HIS bed. He stood over Dep, shirtless and panting, glaring down at her, carefully this time, contemplating his plan of attack. Whatever he was going to, he had to make it fast.  
Like lightening, her biceps were in his hands.  
Mistake number one…he had just started counting.  
Instead of grabbing a hold of her wrists so she had no control of her arms, he had unintentionally decided to giver her half use. And boy, did she use that to her full advantage. Arms flailed wildly, blurring in front of his eyes until a small hand wove its way into his beard and YANKED. He had no choice but to follow the hand down, squealing all the way, until it decided to let go. Dropping her yet again he tried a different angle. Her legs looked rather promising at this point though he was nervous about her having control over her torso. She could turn into a whirling tornado if she so wished and knock him on his ass. But he didn’t have many options now.  
With risk comes reward he repeated to himself.  
As soon as he had her ankles she moaned and tried her best at kicking him again. A few seconds went by before she apparently decided it was no use and instead tried scooting upwards and away from him.  
Finally! Success!  
He was giddy and working together, she started doing a sleepy time version of the worm. It wasn’t at all enthusiastic, in fact it was sort of fucked up looking, but it was WORKING and that’s all that mattered.  
The covers had bunched up together in this awkward dance they had conjured up between them. It was okay, he would go back to his side of the bed, at least cover his torso, roll over, ignore her and proceed with his own sleep.  
Wrong again.  
When he laid back down she had moved over onto her side, facing him with a arm thrown over all the blankets. John reached out for one, just one blanket for God’s sake, but Dep had different ideas. The movement of him tugging a tiny corner of one blanket must of set something off in her because the next thing he knew, she had gathered them up even more into a ball and let out a quiet yell of defiance. Spastically she flipped her body away from him rolling over almost off onto the floor and curled around the ball that was now tucked lovingly into her chest.  
John laid on his back and tried to stop the tears of defeat, but it was for not.  
This fight was pointless and no matter how nice or how aggressive he tried to be it dawned on him in that moment this was one petty fight that had beat him.  
John had been bested by a sleeping Satan incarnate.  
Jacob could never find out about this.  
Slowly he rose back to his feet, grabbed a spare blanket from the cupboard and began the long walk of shame to his couch downstairs.

Morning light shone through the curtains, rousing the deputy from her slumber and she smiled. John sure had a comfortable bed! She couldn’t remember the last time she had slept so good and rolled over keenly to tell him.  
He wasn’t there.  
She sat up confused and looked around the vast room. No water was running in the bathroom…maybe he had woken early trying to surprise her with breakfast?  
A grin spread out across her face and she wrinkled her nose playfully at the thought of John Seed being sweet. She quickly dressed and bounded down the stairs but wasn’t greeted with the aroma of coffee and bacon like she had expected.  
Her stomach had started to sink but then she noticed his figure splayed across the couch and her face lit up again. She made her way toward him, leaning over the back of the sofa she shook his shoulder gently, cooing his name into his face.  
“Wakey wakey eggs and bac-”  
He bolted upright, chest heaving. Even though he had given up against her demon sleep routine, it still plagued his dreams and he, needless to say, didn’t sleep very well that night. She stared at him, not knowing how to react when suddenly his eyes focused and zeroed in on her. A grimace spread across his face and he stood up to his full height over her. She peeked up at him and gasped loudly as he grabbed her by the waist and threw her over his shoulder.  
She started to babble.  
“Look, last night was fun, like reaaaaal fun, but I’m still kind of sore this morning so if we could just have some breakfast first?”

John kicked his back doors open rather harshly and marched outside like a man on a mission.  
The babbling into his back continued.  
“Oh, ok! This might be fun. Sex outdoors…kinda wild and dangerous maybe we could find a mudhole somewhere and- OOF!”  
He threw her off his shoulder into the pond below and walked away.  
She sat on her ass staring at his retreating back.  
“Want me to radio you later?” was the only thing she could think of to say.  
Another smile plastered her face when he gave her a thumbs up behind his back.  
Oh, how he loved to suffer.

**Author's Note:**

> for shits and gigs


End file.
